Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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