So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
