The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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