woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
