I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
2020 sucks, I want a refund
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
