My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
this hospital has no fireball
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
