the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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