two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I could make wine with my vomit
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I miss vodka workout Fridays
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell