Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the condom got lost in my hair
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.