Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
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Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him