its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
