I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My liver just had a heart attack.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
