I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
