I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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