How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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