Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
