Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
