So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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