I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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