I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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