new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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