booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
