sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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