my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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