If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
