Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
