Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
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Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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