There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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