he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
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I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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