I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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