I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
