her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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