I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
my poor anus
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
