ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
