thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
