Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
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Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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