my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
