sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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