she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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