Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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