Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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