Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
