we have officially lost it.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
