Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
