you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Randomize
