Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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