The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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