I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
