C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
