Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
