after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
