I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
