I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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