My friends, they love my intelligence
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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