You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
