Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
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