Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Randomize
