I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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