I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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